FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!