fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
monday
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
We avoided this particular disaster
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*