@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

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@daemonic3

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

@MsLisaM

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@Marlebean

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

@Daveastated

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.