FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”



Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.


Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.


I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.


Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.


*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*


In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”


My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.


The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.