FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
What?!?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.