FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*


Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.


Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka


I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.


Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.


DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?


I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.


The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….



Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.