@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

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@MollySneed

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

@wildethingy

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@thepunningman

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

@loribuckmajor

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@No_tact_here

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@jaelco26

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.