FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I have so many questions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.