@MollySneed “I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
@Tmoney68 FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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@MollySneed 
@wildethingy Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
@mattZillaaaa Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
@thepunningman I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
@loribuckmajor Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
@TitaniumToplass DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
@Lisa_Laughs_ I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
@No_tact_here The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
@1Happytwit Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
@jaelco26 I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.