FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?