FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer