[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You Might Also Like
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out