G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
wut hotdog?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.