Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.