@Donna_McCoy

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

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@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

@HenpeckedHal

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

@thatdutchperson

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

@TheBoydP

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

@junejuly12

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@jawahomer

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@batkaren

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

@thedad

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT