*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Good morning, Twitter 😊