Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.