Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*