GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
You Might Also Like
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I unironically love this joke.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.