GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.