[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
This is my cat’s medicine.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked