*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The three genders
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.