Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
The three genders.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
what does he know…
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.