Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉