Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted