#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I already tried new things thanks.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.