‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
being a writer on Twitter: