[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.