Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
😂😂
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*frowns in Scottish*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.