Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside