Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
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This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
can’t believe I got front row seats
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.