Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation