Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
when u come home smelling like another dog
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I saw nothing
Ooh I do like a good funnel