Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.