GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
podcasts
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.