[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Don’t touch that.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
pictures of spider-man