GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Thursday Thought.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back