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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I have a black belt in leather
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.