[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night