Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
She: I like Cats
He:
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The best plant holders?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
groan^2
this isn’t threatening at all
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.