Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
How times have changed.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”