gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.