Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
#gardening
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.