Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
This 4th of July, please remember…
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice