Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.