Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.