gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“i am a sweet baby”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?