I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”