@adamgreattweet

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

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@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

@HomeWithPeanut

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

@dogfather

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@ArfMeasures

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@Kyle_Lippert

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”