[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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This why you should mind your business
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
opening twitter today
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.