gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA