*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
wtf is an acronym
Quadruple digit IQ
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
stop
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.