[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here