@legsandsass
@timdonakowski I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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@timdonakowski 
@joejwest HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@theregoesrichie *brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
@Donna_McCoy All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
@rebrafsim [reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
@SirEviscerate ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
@slimmy_shady Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
@OfficeofSteve Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
@SlabBaconBP Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
@Tommytoughstuff [Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”