Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.