Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Spring of Deception
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?