Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now