Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.